seeeecretssss

Conversation with Oliver -

Oliver: Hey mom, do you want to know a secret?

Me: Yes!

Oliver: Do you promise not to tell?

Me: (realizing he's quoting a Beatles song) Yes.

Oliver: Uh.....I forgot what it was.

Me: (singing) Whoa whooaaa, closer.....let me whisper in your ear.....

Oliver (whispering in my ear): Say the words you want to hear.


I promise - I will NEVER tell that secret. My lips are sealed.

Speaking of secrets, my dear husband Paul has absolutely no concept of them. If he hears a story about someone and is admonished not to tell anyone, he will merely file that story away under the person's name, with no accompanying red flag. The next time that person is mentioned, his brain file on that person will pop up, and he will then oblige any listener with the tale. If he sees the actual person that is the subject of said story, he will often tell it to that person's face, with no discernible regret. Here's a made-up example:

(A girl named Heather sees Paul and remembers him from high school.)

Heather: "Hey...Paul?! Good to see you!"

Paul: "Heeeyy......Amy! You were in the band with me and you played saxaphone." (He just pulls stuff out of his butt in the beginning.)

H: "No....it's Heather. We had Math together? I wasn't in the band."

P: "Ooohh. Wait......Heather? Heather McMillan?" (brain accessing file.....accessing, accessing.....data retrieved) "Oh yeah! You married Steve Hersche - he got bald and huge right after highschool and wears a crazy toupee now!"

H: "Uh...yeah."

P: "Hey, how's stuff? I heard about your daughter and her meth problem. That really sucks. Is she still turning tricks to buy drugs? I guess it wasn't a surprise when she tested positive for HIV. Do you want me to call her up and tell her to stop being so stupid?"

You think I'm exaggerating, but stuff like that REALLY HAPPENS. And the crazy thing about it is that he usually gets away with it. He can say the most offensive things to people, and they still freaking love him. How does he do it??!

Why did I bring this up again? Oh yeah. I was bugged by his recent post about Oliver. I send him emails all the time of the funny things Oliver says to me. On one of them I explicitly wrote in all caps, "DO NOT TELL ANYONE THIS STORY." So what did he do? He published it on his public blog and then told the main subject of the story about it and completely embarrassed them. Sigh.

I also had other problems with that post. Oliver's weener stories are funny and cute, but I don't think they're for everyone to read. And then there's the picture of Oliver in the tutu. K, that's funny too, but I don't want anyone getting the wrong impression. His evil sisters forced that outfit upon him. He wasn't into it or anything. So after I read that post, I made a frantic call to him to immediately remove the sensitive story. He argued for a bit, but relented and took it off. Then I wrote him an email about my other problems with the post. He never wrote me back, so I called him. "So....what do you think about what I said?" I asked.

"I deleted it."

"The whole thing??"

"Wait, what are you talking about?"

"You deleted the whole post?"

"No, I deleted your email."

Oh. Thanks Paul.

So now I guess I will have to write my own much superior Oliver post, which is actually long overdue. I suspect it will be lengthy. There are about 2 years worth of stories I haven't posted. So get ready for that, you dirty meth junkies.

By the way, ever since we got Beatles Rock Band, Oliver sings Beatles songs around the house all the time. I love it.