lightning bolts of poo

I guess it's time to add to Paul's account of our Easter trip to Vegas. (You can read his here.) It was spring break for the kids and I wanted to go somewhere warm and cheap. So Vegas it was! As always, I tried hard not to spend a lot of money, and to make it nice and relaxing and problem-free, but for some reason the Universe hates us and refuses to let that happen.


The drive there was beautiful. It was overcast and the colors of the sky and the mountains reminded me why I love Utah. The check-in at our first hotel was a little hairy, as I had forgotten my ID and the reservation was in my name. After 3 different mile-long treks between the parking garage and the front desk, Paul and I were ready to punch, but we finally got it worked out. It was dumb of me to forget my ID, but the front desk lady didn't have to be such a biotch about it! Sheesh. I suppressed the urge to comment on her mustache. Then as we stood watching the Fremont Street show, Maddie whined, "Why are we here??" And I suppressed the urge to strangle her. So far so good.

The next morning was Easter. The Easter bunny brought treats, and we had a scripture lesson on the resurrection. Ok family, enough spirituality, let's take a walk through the smoky casino to the pool! It was a little weird. But the rooftop pool was empty and the weather was amazing. Really nice.

We went to the Natural History Museum (mostly because it was cheap).

We saw the volcano at the Mirage, and the girls took the long walk with me to the Bellagio to see the gardens.






We spent the next two days at our favorite place, the Cancun Resort. It was heavenly. We lounged at the pool, drank mango slushies, I read all my gardening and weight-loss books, and swam with the kids. It was sunny and lovely. I thought we had this vacation NAILED.


But I just had to push our luck. I decided it would be a great idea to stop by Zion's on our way home and do some hikes. There are some easy family ones, and wouldn't that be a good way to end our vacation? First of all, I didn't realize how long it would take to get there. It was a good 45 minutes from I-15. We paid the $25 fee ($25?!) to get in, and pulled into the parking lot of the Visitor's Center (which was closed). When we stepped out of the car we were hit by a serious CHILL. We hadn't realized how much colder the weather had gotten on our drive, and now it was freezing. Paul and the kids started to complain that we should just go home, but that was not an option for me at this point. 45 minutes and $25? We're ENJOYING THIS. Now get your damn coats/blankets on and get out of the car!

We got on the bus that takes you around to the different stops. There wasn't anyone else there, so the driver gave us his personal tour, full of anecdotes and folksy info. The skies were gray and it began to snow....


and I finally conceded that maybe it was too cold. But when we got off at the Lodge, the weather had cleared up somewhat, so I forced everyone onto the trail. The hike was really pretty and we were only about halfway up, when everyone started complaining. One child, who shall remain nameless, kept telling us that he/she needed to poo. I thought it was just an excuse and rolled my eyes and told them to hold it. But Paul believed this child and said that they were turning back. "Well I'm finishing by myself then," I said. "You guys would have been the crappiest pioneers ever. See ya!" I went the rest of the way by myself and I'm actually glad I did. It was beautiful and peaceful and made me want to move to Hurricane so I could take walks there everyday. Plus, I'd get to say "Hurricun" a lot.



I walked back to the Lodge and was greeted by the swell news that "needs to poo" child had done so - in their pants. And the poo was not of the solid variety. People were coming out of the Lodge covering their noses from the smell of said child. (In this child's defense - he/she was sick, so it was forgivable.) There was really nothing we could do about it, except take the bus back to our car. Riding on a bus next to someone who has pooped (I mean severely desecrated) their pants is not super pleasant. It was a loooong ride. It was getting dark. We finally got back and I pulled my bag down from the top of the car to get some wipes. I tried to help wipe down the pantsless child the best I could and try to keep from gagging. A lot of it was dried on, and although this child changed into new pants, the smell was still strong on this one. The inside of our car was filled with a sharp tang, and I had a feeling that the ride home was not going to be easy. I held a piece of gum under my nose for awhile, but that got tiring, so I chewed it and stuck it to my upper lip.

Around Cedar City, we stopped at a gas station for a potty break and bought an air freshener. We noticed one of our tires was losing air, so we filled it up. I was buying treats when Paul came to me and said he had bad news. He couldn't find the bag that I had taken off the car. Either he hadn't put it back on, or it had fallen off. He wanted to just go home, but I really needed that bag. It had all of my books that I love, all my expensive hair stuff, hair dryer, medicine, and awesomest of all, a checkbook. Of course. There was seriously like over $200 worth of stuff in that bag. So I knew it would bug me if we didn't go back and look for it. Begin the hour and a half drive back to Zion's. Expletive.

We got back to the Visitor's Center and drove around and around with a flashlight, trying to find the bag. We couldn't find it anywhere. It was sooo depressing. I couldn't believe it. It was really late at this point and we had a very long drive back home. We toyed with the idea of getting a hotel, but Paul had to work the next day and we had spent enough money as it was. We started the now very familiar ride back.

We were about 2 hours out, when a loud bumping sound started happening. We were in the middle of nowhere. Paul pulled over to the side, thinking it was a bag falling, but then we noticed the tire. It was completely flat. AND, it was snowing. A LOT. #*&^)$&^%&^!!! Paul got out to fix it and I prayed for help. Thankfully a cop drove by and stopped to help us. I have never been so grateful to see those flashing lights. He and Paul got the owner's manual out to find the spare, and were on their bellies in the mud looking for where to put the jack - keep in mind it's pitch-black and snowing like crazy. I'm sure it was a REAL TREAT to change that tire. It felt like forever before they were done. Oliver had a small meltdown at one point, but the kids were mostly good-natured while waiting.



The cop started to pull away, when Paul realized that the car wouldn't start. All of the door-opening and light turning-on during the tire change had drained the battery. Several expletives!!! Luckily we flagged the cop down before he left, and he helped jump-start our car. Then we drove the rest of the way home very slowly on a spare tire in a blizzard. We pulled into our driveway at 5am. FIVE in the freaking MORNING.

You think this is funny, Universe? Yeah, hilarious. We never found the bag. We also lost our Flip video recorder sometime during this trip. There's another $100, not to mention memories. The tire was $140 to replace. I'm thinking we doubled the cost of the trip with all of the crotch-pummeling toward the end of it. Freak! Oh well, there were still two days of solid bliss. I don't think I'll test my luck with another vacation any time soon, though.