Las Vegas: Really?

Thanks for all your nice comments, everyone! You're gonna need that Diet Coke - this is a long one.

Ok, here's the Legend of the Directionless Wonder: I was 16 and pretty new to driving. For some reason I had absolutely no concept of the freeway system. I guess I never paid attention while other people were driving me around. Entrances, exits, I-15, I-215, I-80 - I had no idea what they meant, how the were connected, or where they took you. It was all a confusing mystery to me. So one night my mom and sister were in a car accident about 10-15 minutes away from our house and called me to pick them up. They were at Summerhay's Music in Murray - I remember it so clearly, because I kept seeing it from the freeway, all lit up in the dark, but had absolutely no idea how to actually arrive at that location. Who'd ever heard of a frontage road?? Not me, that's for sure. So I spent seriously TWO HOURS driving around, taking exit after exit, then finding out how to get back on to try again - maybe this one will work, no this one, WHERE IN THE WORLD AM I????!! I was so exasperated and frustrated and scared that I would never find my way back home, let alone find my mom and sister. I finally found the mall and called my dad. Come to think of it, why didn't my dad pick them up?? That's a good question. I was crying and he tried to give me good directions from the mall. I finally made it. My mom and sister were understandably P.O.'d, because they'd been sitting in the freezing cold for the last two hours wondering where the HELL I was. But at that moment, I was so at the end of my rope that I could not handle any comments about how retarded I was. I knew full well the level of my retardation, and I was done. Just plain done. My mom and sister were in the front seats, and I was in the back. My mom turned around to make a snide comment and I yelled, "DON'T SAY ANYTHING!!" but alas, she did not heed my warning. I was serious. She turned to say something again and PUNCH. It seemed to be the only way to stop the words from coming out of her mouth. I'm not proud of the violence, but it did make her quiet for the rest of the ride home.

Now on with the trip:

Our first stop was in Las Vegas. I was thinking of staying with my Aunt Cindy, but I found this hotel that I wanted to try out. (Plus, I found out that Angie and family were staying with her the same night we were there! So that would have been a little crowded....) The hotel was the Cancun Resort, and the minute we arrived, I knew I had made a really good decision. It was AWESOME. The room was perfect - it had two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a huge jetted tub, a kitchen and a dining area. The guest laundry was right across the hall! We ate some noodles and then headed to the pool, which was also AWESOME. It was big and beautiful, and had waterslides for the kids. The problem was, we had arrived there too late. The waterslides were closed, and it was getting dark and chilly. The pool was coooold. So we just sat in the hot tub for a minute and then decided to go get dressed and take our excursion to the Strip. I asked when the waterslides were going to open in the morning. 10am. And checkout time? 10am. Really. I requested a late checkout and was granted the "late" checkout of 12pm. That would have to do.

Oliver shivering at the pool

So we got ready to go see all the free things on the Strip that I had carefully planned out. One problem. We had not packed the stroller. Really. DANGIT!! There was no way Oliver could survive this trip without one. I swear we buy umbrella strollers like they are disposable. We're always forgetting it and then we have to go buy one. I had been deciding whether to take our big nice one or the umbrella one, and I guess that's as far as I got. Poo. So we asked the guy at the front desk if he knew of a place close by that sold strollers. He was taking his time thinking about it, so I impatiently asked, "Is there a Walmart close by?" Oh yeah, he says, take a left on Serene and a right on Pebble. Nice! Only two directions. No problem. So we're driving, driving, driving, 15 minutes later - oh there's Serene, driving, driving, driving, 15 minutes later - could that be Pebble?? Really. Close Walmart? Thanks bro. I ran in quickly and beelined for the baby section. Hmm....pink stroller, pink, pink, pink......all pink. Really. Thumbs up, Las Vegas Walmart! Oliver was now going to spend our entire vacation in pink flowery stroller. Whatever. It's getting late. Let's just buy it and go.

Oliver's fancy new stroller in "Bouquet"

We took the long drive back to the hotel. As we pulled in we saw the hotel shuttle pulling in that we were going to take to the Tropicana. Hurry - let's make it to the shuttle! I pulled the stroller out, got Oliver in it, but when I tried to push it I realized that the front wheels were not on it yet. They were still attached to the handle with a plastic cord. OMH(ell) Where are some scissors? Or a knife? We're very exasperated. Frantic searching begins. Paul finally came upon his pocketknife. He pulled out the blade and in all his frustration and annoyance, started jabbing at the plastic cord. I am very familiar with Paul's history with knives, and it's not a good one. He once had a job as a Cutco Knives salesman, and during one of his presentations, he cut himself and bled for the rest of the pitch. He also sliced the tip of his thumb off in the meat slicer while working at Sconecutter. The list goes on. I was scared for Oliver sitting right there, so I covered his face, and just as Paul jabbed the knife once more, I saw that it was headed straight for his thumb. "You're going to cut your....!" SLICE. Knife into thumb. Deeply. (Interestingly this is the same thumb he cut off at Sconecutter, AND smashed in the weight set a year ago. That thumb is running out of thank you notes to send.) He began gushing blood all over the parking lot and yelling at Maddie to find him a bandage in the first aid kit. Really. Is this really happening? The bandages weren't staunching the flow, so we went to the hotel lobby and the security guard bandaged his thumb. I wonder what people thought when they walked past our car and saw the huge pool of blood beside it. Just another day in Vegas, I guess.

Thumbs up for thumb

We obviously had missed the shuttle, so we sat outside and waited for the next one. The mood was not light. I'm sorry, but it's kind of hard to have compassion for someone that injures himself so often. And he was annoyed with my lack of compassion. It's a true partnership. We finally got on the shuttle and walked to the MGM where we saw the lions.


Then we went to the M&M museum and bought some overpriced candy.

Really? Covering their faces for the picture.
Not in the mood for your antics, M&M guy. Not in the mood.

Then Paul wanted to go in the Coca Cola store, where he bought more stuff, including one of those really super tall, ridiculous looking souvenir drinks. I was so annoyed with this decision. First of all, I don't really understand the need for a huge drink of pop, because I don't like it and it's bad for you, but even more than that, or the money spent, was that it was just so stupid looking. And I knew it would junk up our kitchen and I wouldn't be able to fit it in any cupboard. He promised he would keep it at his work.

By this time, I had lots more places on my list to visit, but Alex started crying about being tired and wanting to go to bed. He was also upset about the smutty pictures everywhere. Paul wanted to go back too, so he and Alex left, and Maddie, Isabel, Oliver and I forged ahead. I really don't know why I kept Oliver. It was about 10pm at this point. That was a bad decision. We went to the Bellagio and watched the fountain show. We all really enjoyed it - it was cool, except for Oliver, who was terrified. He screamed and cried and refused to look at it.

Scary, scary fountains. Really?

We went inside the Bellagio and saw all the cool autumn gardens and the tree with a moving face. That was fun. We should have stopped there, but I was determined to make it through my list. Why am I so weird like that? We kept walking, walking, walking to Caesar's Palace and found the statues. We were so exhasted at this point - nobody wanted to wait for the show. So with my excellent directional skills, I led us all over the place trying to find the exit. After what seemed like an hour, we ended up in this back alley area, where we had the choice to go up some stairs that led to nowhere, or step into oncoming traffic. Isabel started crying at this point, thinking we were forever lost, but I assured her we weren't. We went back in (where we had started out, by the way) and I asked some security guys where the closest exit was, and they pointed to a few feet from us. Really? Suddenly we were outside and free of Caesar's Palace. Thank the heavens above. I really had not anticipated how much walking all this would involve. The walk back to the Tropicana was LONG and PAINFUL. Isabel and Maddie were complaining nonstop about all the cigarette smoke. Isabel started crying after going through a particularly large cloud, "It's hurting my body!" We got back to the hotel at 12am and collapsed into bed. Las Vegas, I used to love you. Not so much anymore.