Recent Failures:

*The new Shabu Shabu restaurant in Orem. It looks like it's gonna be good, but then you find out that you're expected to cook your own food. The gay Asian waiter takes you painstakingly through the steps, warns you not to overcook your chicken, and then tells you to "Have fun!" Wow, I never get to make food for anyone! What a blast! Then you're supposed to dip your overcooked, bland, rubbery chicken (yes - I cooked it longer than the suggested 2 minutes - uh, salmonella?) and veggies into two dipping sauces - soy sauce or a yuck peanut sauce. Mmm....tastes like my cooking, except way worse. I can pay $15 for this? Yay. Then once you've choked down your tasteless meal and feel full, they tell you to put these big, fat, blah noodles in the pot you just cooked your chicken in, to make an enormous bowl of flavorless noodle soup. What? I didn't think this dinner could get more unappealing, but the noodle soup dessert course sent me skyrocketing into super confused territory. Yeah, it's a traditional Japanese dinner, but it's also really stupid. And gross. EPIC FAIL.

*The new Pizza 712 restaurant in Orem. I heard from a lady in our ward that it was really good. She's Irish, so maybe that has something to do with it? I felt like I had lost an integral part of my brain whilst reading the menu. I could not figure it out. I stared at it for like 5 minutes with no significant progress. It was trying to be all cool and hip, but it was just insanely confusing. It was just a brown piece of paper, with everything typed in lowercase letters, with no appropriate spacing to designate what the crap they were offering. Like this:

greens.....
clifford farms arugula, english peas, pickled carrot, hand pulled mozzarella, basil vinaigrette
savoy spinach, house smoked bacon, crouton, pickled shallot, whole grain mustard viaigrette, goat cheese

pizza.....
tomato sauce, hand pulled mozzarella, basil
roasted corn, roberts mushrooms, leek, house smoked provolone
potato, red onion, parmesan, ricotta
speck, sopressata, garlic, tomato sauce, mozzarella
tomato sauce, scallion oregano, serrano chile, hand pulled mozzarella, farm egg
house made sausage, fennel, roasted pepper, tomato sauce, mozzarella

CHOICES! What the crap are you talking about. I can have a farm egg on my pizza? Speck?? OH. It was insanely overpriced, and for all the fancy schmancyness, it wasn't very good. Fail.

*My nose hair trim. I got some new trimmers and went nuts, shaving my nostrils bald. Turns out my nose hairs have a purpose besides grossing me out. I've been sneezing non-stop ever since, and my nostrils are all itchy and painful. Fail.

*The wasp trap I bought. It was a newfangled disposable one. I read the instructions, set it up, and waited for the wasps to flock to their death. A couple days later I decided to notice it again, and was like, "Eeeew, there are tons of flies in it, gross." The next day I noticed a very bad stench hanging around our patio area. It smelled like rotting garbage. That's when I looked.....I mean REALLY looked at the wasp trap. It looked like this:


FLY TRAP. In big letters. With the pooiest-garbage-scented attractant around. Thanks eyes, for forgoing the reading part of that purchase. Maybe I really am missing a part of my brain.