Paul.
Let me tell you about my trip to the libe today. The reason I called you was to see if you knew where the libe card was. I was late for Story Time and didn't have time to wait for you to talk to someone else. Plus, I found a libe card right then in my closet.
Anyway, so Oliver and I go there and rush to the storytelling area, where we went last week at this very same time*. (*Actually, Story Time is on Thursdays. I was under the impression for most of today that it was Thursday.) After a minute, it became obvious that it was "Lap Time" which is for babies. They were doing little songs and actions in baby voices. Oh, and all the kids there were babies? So I'm like, what crap? Then I see a group of preschoolish age children over by the stained glass window, and a lady is showing them all the pictures and having them guess what stories they're from. Ok, so this must be Story Time. After a couple minutes, the libe lady says, "Let's go over to this other area and I'll read you some stories." So I walk right behind her and sit Oliver down in front of her. (Shotgun!) There were no seats for adults, so I stood in the back with the other parents. First she gave a presentation on taking care of libe books. And she promised them at the end they would get these cool bookmarks "from their teacher." Huh? Then I noticed that all of the other kids had the same neon green, tie-dyed t-shirts on, and placard necklace things around their neck. They were a preschool class on a library field trip. I wondered how cool the parents thought I was for including my child in their class. I also noticed that in my hurry to leave, I hadn't folded Oliver's collar down, so it was all up like a preppy douchebag. Another thumbs up for me. He was enjoying the stories so much, I didn't want to interrupt everything and take him out, so I just waited until the end. The teacher started counting kids to pass out bookmarks, so I went and grabbed Oliver. They probably wouldn't have minded giving him one, but I wanted to avoid the "And you are....?" incident. Oliver was like, "My teacher was going to give me a bookmark!" I tried to explain that we weren't in that class, and he said, "But it had Dinosaur Train on it!" He didn't get upset, though. Just cute Oliver. So I need to buy him a cool bookmark soon.
Next I went to the adult section and found all these awesome books. We got Oliver some books, and then some old records for sale caught my eye. I think you'll be pleased with the two I picked out.
I went to the desk to check out, and didn't know my pin number. The old crotchety lady's like, "Well I need to see your driver's license." "I don't have it with me,' I say, like a thumbs up girl. "Is it in your car?" "No." "Did you drive here?" "Yes." "You drove over here? And you don't have your driver's license??" YES THAT IS CORRECT BIOTCH. So she says she'll use my Visa as verification, and ask me some questions. She enters the libe card in the system and says, with horror, "This card was reported LOST over a YEAR ago. I'm sorry I can't possibly give you the pin number unless I have photo ID." Oh my hell, whatevs. Can I just buy these albums, then? With the visa you think I've stolen?
Paul. I'm buying THIS album. Push Push, by Herbie Mann. M'am, can you ring this up for me please? I gots to gets this home and enjoy this pic! She handled it like it was toxic. Then I made her put the other books on hold so I could come back later and check them out.
How many thumbs up can I receive in one morning? So many, is the answer.
17 comments:
First comment. Gotta make it count.
That record album is gross and crazy funny.
How did it take more than one second to notice matching shirts and placards? Sorry.
And I like collars up. That happens to Luke all the time and I leave it cause it's funny. Now I will think twice, but will probably still leave it.
Paul is lucky to get emails like that from you.
You are the funniest writer I know, alongside David Sedaris. Minus all the crass. You must write a book.
You have the best stories! And I agree - that album cover is gross. And that libe lady needs to loosen up.
Although, you probably shouldn't be using a card that you reported lost a year ago. Just sayin'...
And neon green shirts, at that! I have no clue how I didn't notice. And I really don't know how other people keep track of important cards - my driver's license has also been lost for 2 years. I know I'm a hot mess. Completely aware, everyone. Thanks, though.
So hilarious. I am laughing so hard. :D
Entertainment+ I love your blogs!
Wallets are a good card organizer - just sayin. Good luck on your lost drivers licence.
I love that you still bought that creeporific album after all that. That is determination. And it was totally worth it. That picture is so wrong. Hairy, greased up hippy with a flute? HAHAHA!
WELL DONE.
I think I met that rotten librarian last year some time! She had me in tears because I couldn't find my card and didn't know the password. I was pregnant and bawling and she was harrible! (Mrs. Harrible)
Plus- I was there that same morning. It would have been funny to see you in real life!
And- my hubby went later that day and looked through the albums and said if you wouldn't have bought that record, he would have for sure! (so thanks for buying it!) ;)
That's exactly why I had to go through with buying it right then. I knew someone like your hubby was going to snatch it up! ha! Your husband makes me laugh, by the way. His cruise clothes were HILARIOUS. That trip looked so fun!
You've been driving me around all this time without a drivers license?
That album cover is,uhh, the right adjective eludes me.
I think we must set a date to watch Love Boat with the sound off and Herbie Mann turned up. Way up! I just know that if Doc took his shirt off...
You are the best email/blog writer ever.
yes, indeed the best part was that you forged ahead with your purchase instead of accepting defeat and leaving. Thank you for the story and thank you most of all for that album.
This makes me mad at all the album covers that I used to think were well-designed.
When the libe-rian used hand sanitizer after handling the filthy album cover you should have wiped a tiny tear and said, "this was my father's last album". That would have shut her up and put her in her place.
I want to be the little fly that sits on your shoulder and gets to witness everything that goes on it your life. It sounds much more entertaining than mine. However, if I were a fly on your shoulder, you would probably spend most of the time trying to get rid of me cause - GROSS!
It really really is driving me nuts though that you bought two albums but only showed us one. What was the other one? I have to know. Hopefully its of another sexy dude with no britches behind a drum set.
It was "An Evening With Tom Lehrer." He sings funny songs to the piano. Paul has memorized quite a few of his songs and his mom adores them. So I thought we'd give it to her since she has a record player. Not as exciting as a britchless flute player.
No way! I have that cd! Masochism Tango is my most favorite, but Poisoning Pigeons in the Park is a close second!
Great minds think alike.
Ohhh Mandi- it's been too long since I read. But, i've laughed for the last hour. thank you thank you thank you.
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